I know, but uncomfortable all the same…

But you couldn’t take your eyes off it!

There was some tension in the room!

It was pretty amazing… the most tense meeting I’ve seen in years!

It started off fine… then the macho stuff kicked in!

Suddenly the body language changed, and you could cut that tension with a knife! All that talk about ego…

Eh, yeah…

It must have been a strange experience for the folks with the cameras, filming it…

Not to mention for the rest of us looking in from our living rooms… our jaws on the floor!

It’s not often you see such an awkward public stand-off between two men.

Well, THREE if you count Vance…

Huh?

Zelensky, Trump AND Vance… like, there were three egos at play!

HUH?

I’m just saying there were three involved… Trump and Vance, and to a lesser degree Zelensky…

Trump and Vance? And Zelensky? THAT awkward exchange? Oh no… I’ve been talking about Tommy Tiernan v Chris Eubank!

(They pause to watch a recording of last weekend’s Tommy Tiernan Show in which former boxer Chris Eubank made bizarre statements while also challenging his very patient host when questioned about ego)

Well… that was short notice…

What?

That gathering in the local on Sunday night…

Oh yeah, it was good craic…

In our WhatsApp group, Casey called it an emergency meeting… I think he billed it ‘Rules and stools’…

It could have been worse… he could have gone with ‘Rules and fools’…

Indeed! So, to explain to our readers… Casey invited a few of us to the local to sit on our barstools and discuss the debate that has arisen about the new Gaelic football rules…

Do you think Casey panicked a bit?

Huh?

I mean, we beat Cork by 14 points on Saturday, I think those new rules are suiting us!

I know! But there was some resistance suddenly voiced to them at the weekend, and Casey felt we  should review them ourselves… over a pint or two!

It was funny when he started the role play in the bar!

Yeah! He had me as a goalkeeper… and asked you to time my imaginary kickouts!

Then the pub bore asked those lads from Oran to demonstrate the ‘3 up’ rule…

I felt the barman was getting frustrated when we began to use barstools as midfield players…

Definitely! Why do you think we didn’t get a late drink?!

Remind me?

Because the barman played us at our own game… he sounded a hooter 10 minutes after closing time!

The post Awkward TV moments… and those Gaelic football rule changes appeared first on Roscommon People.

8.55 pm: After a wide-ranging phone call, during which they discussed a number of key topics (later describing the talks as ‘constructive’), the boyos make a definitive call: they won’t be going to the pub tonight.

9 pm: Prior to the start of the RTE Nine O’Clock News, there’s a promo for the Late Late Show which – extraordinarily – seems to have a slightly familiar vibe to it: ‘COMING UP AFTER THE NEWS! KATHRYN THOMAS, MARIO ROSENSTOCK, DOIREANN GARRIHY…’

9.35 pm: The boyos order two pints in the local…

SUNDAY NIGHT

The boyos are nursing two creamy pints, reflecting on a long day in Navan…

What a fiasco!

Huh?

You, in Navan, earlier today! You brought us bad luck!

Oh stop going on about it!

Seven minutes into the second half and you start shouting… ‘This game is over! We’re six up! I’m going to the clubhouse for a mineral!’

Okay, okay, so I took a brief break…

Yeah, you were away for two minutes, and by the time you came back, Roscommon had conceded two goals! I think when you got up to move, it might have distracted our players!

Really?

Next time, stay where you are! PLEASE!

EARLIER THIS WEEK…

I see Elon Musk is still on the rampage!

Huh?

Trump’s self-styled financial sheriff is continuing his cost-cutting DOGE clampdown!

So what exactly does DOGE stand for?

Department of Government Efficiency.

Okay, but I’m not that interested…

NOT INTERESTED? That’s exactly when we need here!

Huh?
At the moment, our version of DOGE is… Department of GROTESQUE expenditure! Or Department of GIGANTIC expenditure!

Huh?

Haven’t you heard… about the latest crazy spend by our masters?

Nope!

At the National Gallery, they only went and purchased an x-ray scanner for €124k… eight years ago… but it’s never been used, because they don’t have room for it!

Oh dear! When you add in the €322k for the bike shed at Leinster House, that’s almost half a million of our money for a shed that doesn’t necessarily keep bikes dry, and a scanner with no home!

Yes! So we need change! And we need accountability! And we need transparency! In fact, we need to see every detail of Government/State expenditure!

Yeah, we need the ultimate x-ray scanner! A machine that shows us what’s really going on!

The post We need an x-ray scanner that shows us what’s really going on! appeared first on Roscommon People.

Yes! A letter from the office of An Taoiseach!

Hah! From the OFFICE of An Taoiseach! So NOT personal correspondence!

Actually, my cynical friend, it’s made very clear in the letter that the issues I raised were brought to Deputy Martin’s personal attention!

Huh! By the way, I thought you wrote to the Taoiseach in December… he wasn’t in any hurry to reply to you! Just shows you’re not on his radar! All your waffle about having political contacts at the highest level!

Well, the reply was delayed because there was a slight… diplomatic matter.

Huh? 

When I sent the letter off before Christmas, I wasn’t sure if the new Taoiseach would be Mr Martin or Mr Harris, so I wrote ‘To Whom It May Concern’… I think Deputy Martin might have been put out by that!

Oh dear!

(They pause to watch Celtic’s fantastic performance against Bayern Munich) 

So, what were these issues you raised with the Taoiseach? 

My advice on how to solve the housing crisis…

Yes…

And I asked if he’d personally intervene in the plastic caps/lids debacle!

Oh dear! No doubt some eye-rolling intern fired off a standard reply to you…

The letter CLEARLY states that Deputy Martin was pleased to hear from me and that he’s giving careful consideration to the issues I raised…

So what’s next? You might as well write to President Trump while you’re at it!

AGAIN?

What do you mean? 

I’m gone mad writing letters to people in power. I’ve already written to Mr Trump, advising him that I have relations in Clare – which I do – and that I’m an established columnist with a much-loved community newspaper… who would be, er, favourably disposed towards him if he could grant me an interview when he inevitably visits Doonbeg.

YOU HAVEN’T!

I even suggested myself and Davy Fitzgerald could play himself and vice-president Vance in a game of golf!

Huh! You’ll be waiting a long time for a reply from the White House…

Not so! I received an official reply… from the office of the President! He’s acknowledged my letter. The president’s schedule is “under constant review”. They’ll get back to me…

Oh let’s go for a pint before this gets any more ridiculous…

Give me two minutes. I’m just finishing a letter to the main man…

Who now? THE POPE? Here, let me get you the address. Vati…

Don’t be so sarcastic! I’m writing to Michael Healy-Rae on the plastic bottle caps, they reckon he’ll be in charge of the country in March when the rest of the ministers are all gone abroad for St Patrick’s Day!

The post Pen pals with Taoiseach (and Trump) appeared first on Roscommon People.

Well, it’s kind of bad actually…

How so? 

‘Cos now we’ll be explosively hot favourites against Wales, and there’s a danger of complacency!

Well, Donald Trump’s still signing executive orders… he’s a politician who is actually delivering on campaign commitments! Now THAT’S good!

Nah, that’s bad…

Why so? 

Because if you ask me, most of what Donald Trump promised is not good!
Well, I didn’t ask you!

(They pause to hum along to Ireland’s Eurovision entry on hearing it on the radio) 

Ireland has selected its Eurovision entry, a most original ditty it is too! Now THAT’S good!

No, that’s bad!
WHY?

‘Cos it reminds us all that the silly circus is coming up!

But the Eurovision is a gathering of eccentrics who dance around the studio grinning at the camera while pleading for votes… it’s fun, that’s good!

No, that’s bad! We already have a gathering of eccentrics who dance around the studio grinning at the camera and pleading for votes every weekend… it’s called Dancing with the Stars!

(They pause to see if Samantha Mumba has posted any more unmissable barbs against the Late Late Eurosong judges) 

Well, there’s a new series of The Apprentice on TV, now that’s good…

No, that’s BAD! Because most of the contestants are vain and boring… plus, it reminds me of Donald Trump! After all, he used to star in the US version!

Well, the Super Bowl was on the other night, it’s sheer theatre, one of sport’s great annual events, now that’s good…

No, that’s bad, because I backed the Kansas City Chiefs, and they lost!

Well, there’s a new Bridget Jones movie out today… now that’s good!

No, that’s bad! Too many sequels is always bad!

(They pause to watch Real Madrid add to Manchester City’s woes with a late, late win in the Champions League) 

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow! LOVE-ly! Now that’s good!

Oh dear, that’s bad, for now at least! I forgot all about it! I’m gonna have to rush now and get organised!

Hold on! Before you go… St Patrick’s Day is just around the corner! Now THAT’S good!

I dunno! There are concerns that Mr Trump might not invite Mr Martin to the White House! Now that’s bad!

Well, speaking of Mr Martin, the Dáil’s sitting again! Now come on, my old friend, you have to admit… THAT’S GOOD!

What? Another gathering of eccentrics grinning at the camera and pleading for votes every week … nah, that’s bad… for my patience!

The post Good news this week (or is it bad?) appeared first on Roscommon People.

WIN!

Yeah, that was it!

If you’re not in, you can’t win… well, we were in that draw, and we won!

What a stroke of luck! We might not have won a ‘House in Kildare’, but winning those tickets to Ireland v England at the Aviva was some start to the New Year for us!

Yeah… and what a weekend we had!

(They pause to see if TDs have stopped squabbling about speaking rights yet)

Mind you, I think that English supporter from Bath had enough of you on Friday evening…

Nah! We bonded great…

I dunno. You’re a GAA man, and you’ll never be a rugby man!

Those English supporters we bumped into were a nice bunch…

Yeah, but we never should have gone to Temple Bar…

We had to do a half hour there, just for the craic…

But seriously, what were you talking to that chap about?

RUGBY! What else?

But you know nothing about rugby, you bluffer!

I’ve been to Creggs!

Huh! Anyways, I just thought he was losing the will to live at one stage… what were you on to him about?

Well, he was really sound, but I made one mistake. I admitted that you and I aren’t quite rugby conno… conna… connoiss… er, experts, and he… pounced!

How so?

He saw an opening! I kind of said I didn’t understand all of the rules of rugby. Next thing he was off on a long speech about rucks and mauls and lineouts and knock-ons and offside… so I had to listen to all of that!

Well if he was in full flow, then why did he look a touch bored, or confused, when I went over to introduce myself…

Ah well, I had changed the subject by then. I was giving him a bit of his own medicine…

I don’t understand?

I started explaining the new rules of Gaelic football to him!

(They pause to check the latest news from the English football transfer window)

Main thing is, we had a great night Friday night, with Ireland and England supporters, and a super day at the game itself.

Yes, it was a great weekend!

Even if we paid almost €10 apiece for those pints in Temple Bar!

I know! At one stage I thought Donald Trump must have put tariffs on the Guinness!

Then, an enjoyable trip to Drogheda on Sunday…

A really good win!

And once we got back home, we were both able to enjoy the golf on the telly!

Brilliant! Well done Rory, and well done Shane!

They won almost six million US dollars between them…

I know! THEY could actually afford a few pints in Temple Bar!

The post In Temple Bar, I thought Trump had put tariffs on the Guinness! appeared first on Roscommon People.

Yeah… a ‘super storm’ knocked us for six, then we knocked Down for seven!

It’s a weekend we’ll all remember for a long, long time!

Very true!

I mean, those early hours of Friday morning… such drama!

Actually, the drama began for me on Thursday evening…

How so?

Ah just a little fracas in the local shop…

Huh?

Main thing is, rather bizarrely, nobody filmed it on their phone!

I don’t understand…

Ah just a small exchange between me and an old lady…

How old?

I’d say she was about 91… well, she WAS 91, she told me three times!

And you had an argument with her?

Oh absolutely not! That would never happen. No, there was just some very brief tension… a few serious stares and a 5-minute stand-off!

What happened? Don’t tell me you started talking politics, you know you can go too far sometimes…

No, nothing of that nature! Look, it was fine in the end!

Bottom line is you had some sort of run-in with a 91-year-old lady? WHAT ARE YOU LIKE?!

It’s fine! It was the last loaf of bread! I just happened to reach it before her! But I gave it to her in the end, and she was happy!

(They pause to watch the video of a woman challenging the Taoiseach in Castlerea on Tuesday)

In fairness, it’s been a terrible week for thousands of people…

Absolutely. Our thoughts are with everyone locally, and nationally, with all who have been affected by that ferocious storm…

There are still thousands of people without power and water throughout County Roscommon and East Galway.

Our thoughts are with them all, and please God normal service will resume very, very soon.

(They pause to reflect for a moment on the hardship being experienced by so many local communities)

At least we had some welcome respite at the Hyde…

Yes! A very enjoyable day out for the three of us!

We’d have been lost without the Pub Bore, in fairness to him!

I know! Trying to follow all those new rules was quite a challenge!

The confusion didn’t stop you shouting down at Davy Burke, and the players, and the referee!

I was just advising them! The Pub Bore was feeding me the data, and I was relaying it to the sideline!

Embarrassing!

Far from it! Davy nodded his head in my direction at the final whistle… then he spread his arms wide and gestured… I’m guessing he was pleased with all my input!

The post A weekend we’ll all remember for a long, long time… appeared first on Roscommon People.

But the boyos’ weekly column on Page 2 didn’t appear in the first two issues of 2025, you might say. Maybe so, but have you considered that the boyos might have been on holidays, skiing down stunning slopes in a breathtakingly beautiful mountain range in Austria, before sipping sublime cocktails at night? Fair enough, they weren’t, but did you consider it?

The rumours

Of course there has been much speculation as to who might have spread rumours that the boyos had been sacked, or submitted their resignation in a fit of pique (while pouring Guinness over the Editor’s head as a particularly wild Christmas night out descended into chaos).

Completely chilled about the rumours, the boyos – through their lawyers – wish to make it clear that they bear no ill will towards those responsible, and will be happy to consider all offers of financial compensation.

The ‘jealous columnists’ theory 

One thing the boyos want to make clear is: they do NOT subscribe to the scurrilous suggestion that a jealous columnist might have spread the rumour that Page 2 of the Roscommon People is about to become free.

“The guys who write for the People and the Herald are above suspicion” the boyos said in a statement posted on X/Twitter under 273 posts by some sad attention seeker called Elon Musk.

“All of our rival, er, fellow columnists in the People and the Herald are dedicated professionals of the highest integrity… yes, they might be slightly envious of us, but they’d never stoop so low as to betray the unofficial columnists’ club!”

The gossip 

While the boyos are back on Page 2, there is still speculation that all is not well between them and the Editor. Yes, threats to replace the boyos with Joe Brolly have eased, but that’s only because the Editor has gone off Brolly himself. The truth is that the Editor has been bouncing names of possible replacements off friends.

There’s talk of Declan Nerney being signed up, talk of the Healy-Raes being spread over pages 4 and 5, a bizarre suggestion that Brian McFadden might be enlisted, even a claim that Vincent Browne could be coaxed out of retirement.

One source insists the Editor has confided that he intends to get rid of the boyos in 2025 and elevate the content of the column by drafting in Jedward.

Update

Just before we went to press, the Editor issued a statement: “The Board of the Roscommon People has full confidence in the boyos”.

Boyos: “Oh dear!”

The post We weren’t sacked, we didn’t resign, we’re still here… Happy New Year! appeared first on Roscommon People.

Huh?

I see Time magazine has made Trump their Person of the Year!

Huh?

TIME! Trump is their Person of the Year! Time!

Huh! He should be doing… time!

The world’s going mad. Did you see that story where a trainee lawyer got a load of people to buy her drink the other night…?

Is that that unusual?

She was hitting the town, so she got strangers to buy her drinks…

Has been known to happen…

But you don’t understand! She did it by Twitter, or X as Musk insists on calling it…

Well, he does own it…

Anyways, this trainee lawyer, she goes on X, and gives her Revolut details out, basically inviting strangers to buy her drinks!

Wow! I hadn’t heard that! Mad world indeed!

(They pause to jointly panic over the fact that neither of them have bought Christmas presents yet)

To more important matters… you were to update me on your chat with the Editor?

What a fiasco! Basically, he muttered a half-hearted apology for leaving our column out…

…. two weeks in a row!

I know! He said he was under pressure because of those election podcasts, and extra pages in the paper, and that Christmas magazine…

… and Leeds losing a game there a week or two ago?

Yeah! Between one thing and another, he had “with great regret” left our column out…

… two weeks in a row…

Yes, two weeks in a row! He wouldn’t even admit he had binned or censored it, just said it had been ‘unreleased’…!

So what’s the state of play now?

Oh he says this column will definitely be published, and that all is well again!

Did you seek compensation? A barter account for 2025? A company car that we could share? Concert tickets? I hear Oasis are coming…

I mentioned ALL of that! Like we agreed, I told him you and I are motivated by the three ps…

People, principles, and perks?

Exactly!

And?

He just laughed! He really knows how to wind me up, that guy! His parting words were… ‘Tell your pal your column will be published this week… and that it’s safe… for this year!’

Hilarious!

(They pause to admire some shop windows in Roscommon town, before popping in for a pint)

If you ask me, we should threaten to quit… maybe Time magazine would take us on as columnists?

We’ll hold tight for now, and have serious talks with him in the New Year.

No perks? I give up on him! Are you listening to me?

Sorry, I was just sending the Editor my Revolut details… the least he can do is tend to our bruised egos by buying us a few pints!

The post I told him we’re motivated by three ps… people, principles, and perks! appeared first on Roscommon People.

Yes, there was an informal engagement last week, but that was on the edge of the periphery of the margin of the fringes of an event that both parties happened to be attending.

This week, the talks will begin in earnest. This, both parties insist, will be a serious attempt to create a new partnership.

The Editor appointed his negotiating team quickly.   Himself. The Barstool Boyos, still fuming over their column being left out of the Roscommon People for two weeks in a row, initially appointed the Pub Bore as their Chief Negotiator, reckoning he would get the Editor to agree to some new deal through sheer force of boredom.

Then they thought better of it, and decided to represent themselves.

How it began

Thursday, 28th of November, had started out as a normal day. Over a week had passed since the boyos missed the deadline to register as candidates in the election.

It was a strange time. The boyos had expected their non-candidacy to lead to an outpouring of emotion from the public – and most likely civil unrest.

When that didn’t materialise, they put it down to people just being polite, not wanting to make the boyos feel stupid for missing the deadline (although the Pub Bore did send them a text: ‘You are stupid for missing the deadline’).

On November 28th, the boyos had gone for their routine Thursday afternoon walk… to coincide with the People arriving in shops. (This is only partly in anticipation of being asked for selfies; mainly so they can get their hands on a copy before the stampede).

They were stunned to discover that their column had been left out. Aghast, they saw that Page 2 was instead adorned with two fillers, one for the People’s Christmas magazine, the other to promote the paper’s election coverage. Talk about kicking the boyos when they were down!

How it continued…

It was a long week. Ever-diplomatic, the boyos hadn’t contacted the Editor over their column being binned (they left that to their solicitor).

But when their next column – in which they merely excoriated the Editor and told him to stuff his Christmas magazine – was also left out, what began as a once-off act of extreme impertinence became a scandal. For the first time, the boyos’ column had been left out two weeks running.

This week’s talks…

Some progress. The Editor has agreed to meet the boyos for talks. He is expected to explain why their columns were left out. Tentative new ‘Coalition’ talks may commence.

The boyos will go into the talks seeking parity of esteem (and a Christmas bonus, and ideally a barter account). They also want a company car by way of compensation for the embarrassment of recent weeks. Or at the very least a few pints on the Roscommon People over the Christmas.

To be continued…

The post Formal talks to begin this week… appeared first on Roscommon People.

I know that NOW!

How could you have thought… NOON ON SUNDAY!

I’m sorry!

SORRY? My political career has been put on hold for potentially five years!

OUR political careers! Look, I made a simple mistake. If we were to run in the General Election, we had to register by noon last Saturday. I thought it was Sunday. I was only ONE day out!

But you were in charge of logistics! And I warned you not to miss the deadline. High noon I called it!

I’m sorry!

You realise our credibility is shattered? After all our preparations! After we finally decided that we’d run in the election… as a dream team! It’s so embarrassing!

Maybe we could run for the Seanad?

Yeah, maybe…

(They pause to check the salaries and perks of senators)

By the way, I had spoken to the Editor… not that it matters now…

Huh?

As agreed, I asked if he’d keep publishing our column after you and I both took a seat in Roscommon-Galway… of course it’s immaterial now.

Please tell me what he said…

He explained that if we were elected, there would be a conflict of interest if we kept commenting on current affairs in the Roscommon People.

Huh! So he would have dropped us! The rascal!

Actually, he was very gracious. He muttered something about democracy and public service being much more honourable than journalism, and said we would be doing the people of Roscommon-Galway a huge service if we gave up the column and committed ourselves to the service of others! He even offered to finance our campaign!

Ah, fair play. I wonder what he’ll think now when he hears we missed the deadline for lodging our nomination papers…

Well…

When he finds out we’re not running and can continue writing the column for the next five years…

He emailed me earlier. Said he’d heard about our unfortunate timing mishap. But he’s still insisting we should give up the column and voluntarily pledge all our spare time to the service of others… he even attached a list of community organisations we could join…

Ah, that’s very touching. He’s not so bad after all!

(They pause to discuss what to do with the 100 posters that were delivered to them last Friday)

We CAN’T sell them to another candidate!

Yes we can! We’re not going to take a hit! They’ve no party logos on them… they’d be ideal for an independent candidate!

Who’ll want 100 posters with OUR slogans on them?

But ‘Reduce the price of a pint’ is only in SMALL print…

Yeah, but ‘Free the plastic bottle caps’ is in MASSIVE print on the posters and that policy was unique to us!

The post Relief for other candidates as Boyos miss election deadline… appeared first on Roscommon People.