You did WHAT?
I, I, I… well, it’s all YOUR fault… if it goes wrong!
What do you mean IF it goes wrong?! You’re telling me you sent a letter to the Editor… offering OUR RESIGNATION! How can it not go wrong? AND HOW EXACTLY IS IT MY FAULT? AND…
I know, I know, so many questions! And I thought we’d have nothing to talk about this week!
WHAT HAPPENED??
(They pause briefly to let the growing tension ease)
Well?
So all I did was send the Editor a resignation letter…
You never consulted me! Why are we resigning?
But we’re not, that’s the point!
Huh?
I’m bluffing… we’re bluffing!
I’m more confused than ever now…
Let me explain…
Please do!
(They pause as two election candidates simultaneously ring their respective doorbells. The boyos ignore them for now, continuing their uncharacteristically strained phone conversation)
SO?
It’s very simple… I took inspiration from Minister Simon Coveney!
Huh?
Simon sent the other Simon – Taoiseach-to be Harris – a resignation letter. When I heard that news, a light bulb went off in my head…
A busy spot, your head! I still don’t understand…
It’s a bluff! Look, you promised to secure a new contract for this column from the Editor over two years ago… but nothing has been resolved! The only thing we know with certainty is that the Editor is cosying up to Joe Brolly… as a possible replacement!
So, how does our resignation solve this?
It’s a bluff! Brings everything to a head!
What did you write?
‘Dear Editor, I wish to inform you that we will not be making ourselves available to serve in your ‘columnists cabinet’ when the summer season starts. We will continue to serve the people in whatever future role awaits us and will of course actively support the Roscommon People in the media er… echo chamber’.
That was SO daft… and IRRESPONSIBLE!
It’s a BLUFF! The Editor won’t want to lose us! He’ll delete Brolly’s phone number, he’ll offer us a raise! Better expenses! That taxi to the pub! Free tickets to shows!
Has he emailed you back yet?
I didn’t email him, I sneaked into his office and left a letter in the ‘In’ basket on his desk!
Great! He doesn’t touch that basket for days at a time! We have to sneak back into his office and retrieve that letter!
(‘Doof! Doof!’ music from EastEnders rings out from their respective TVs, election candidates peer through their respective letter boxes making all sorts of promises; to be continued)
