‘I raced past her and dived on the last loaf’
Well, my friend…how are you?
I’m in great humour! It’s over, it’s behind us, it’s history!
What is?
January! That was the longest January of all time!
Actually, they all have 31 days, but I know what you mean…
Roll on the good weather, the long evenings…
Eh, breaking news…
Wha’?
Good weather? My friend, have you not been watching the News…
Nah, I ignore the News now…
Well, the weather forecast then?
Go on…
It’s The Beast from the East! It’s coming back! In fact, as we’re having this chat on Monday, it may be here by the time People readers are reading this! (Confused Editor: ‘Not as of Wednesday afternoon’)
Wow! So I need to prepare?
Absolutely!
Get the bread in…?
Might be no harm to get some bread in…
And rolls?
Yeah, can’t beat a nice bread roll…
No! Toilet rolls!
Oh don’t start that! Really, it was embarrassing how we all rushed to the shops in 2018, desperately scrambling around…
Yeah, I remember it well. I tried nine shops for bread, to no avail.
Yeah…
Then I got to the last place in town. There was a long, forlorn looking shelf…at first I thought it was empty…then I saw a single loaf!
Bingo!
…but there was an old lady in front of me, she was slowly – very slowly – approaching the bread.
And?
I raced past her and dived on the last loaf, spinning in mid-air and landing on my feet with the bread hoisted above me like a rugby player who had just touched down…
Don’t mention rugby…
I stood in triumph, the bread aloft, as the old lady neared…
And you graciously handed it to her? PLEASE TELL ME YOU GAVE HER THE BREAD!
No, I kept it! Actually I didn’t. I gave it to her. And to be fair, I made most of that story up. I didn’t actually speed past her. I asked if she was looking for bread, and I made sure she got it.
Excellent! Anyways, they were crazy times.
Yeah, meanwhile there were fist-fights underway in the corner of the shop as gangs of desperate middle-aged people fought over the last of the toilet paper 12-packs….
You’re exaggerating again…
Yep.
Anyways, we must have been some sight in the shops back in 2018 when The Beast came…
Yeah, we must have been an embarrassing sight then. Whereas THIS TIME, we’re in the shops with masks on, avoiding one another, washing our hands at every turn and barely speaking…perfectly normal!!!
Okay, okay!
(They pause, in a desperate attempt to get at least one pause in this week)
Very touching.
Wha’?
That memory of you graciously forfeiting the last loaf for that old lady.
Oh, I’m going all red…
It seems there’s a crumb of decency in you after all…
Thank you!
A slice of humanity…
Stop it!
I think we should have a virtual drink in honour of your generosity. I propose a toast!
Enough! I see what you’re doing!
Yeah, enough! ‘Cos you don’t do puns…
Huh! I’ll talk to you when the Yeast from the East is gone!
