‘Duck now! I think the paparazzi have spotted me…’
So, my great friend…Lockdown 5, Level 3, how’s that going for you?
Eh…you’ve got that wrong.
NO! You ARE my great friend…
Not THAT! It’s Lockdown 3, Level 5…
Oh, sorry. Well, HOW IS IT?
Ah…just the usual.
The rather unpleasant ‘new normal’?
Yep.
A few walks?
Yes, at least the weather has settled a bit.
Watching lots of TV?
Both: ‘Absolutely nothing on…’
I take it…you’re watching lots of TV?
Ah, a bit. Did you see that programme where four so-called funny guys sit around talking absolute rubbish?
The Week in Politics?
NO! Some new show. It’s called Clear History…
Oh we recorded it, but then I deleted it. Rubbish.
Thank God for the soccer…
True. Quite a title race in England!
Yep….but a sad week for Frank Lampard…
He’ll be going on the PUP this week.
Yep…sacked by Chelsea, from his 5 million pounds a year job.
Some money!
Some money!
5 million quid a year. Was he really worth ten Ray D’Arcys?
No comment!
(They pause, wondering if Ray D’Arcy could manage Chelsea, with Joe Duffy handing over to Frank Lampard after the news headlines at 3…)
Strange experience on Sunday.
Huh?
Snow in Roscommon. Beautiful. I went for a walk in the park.
What was strange?
There was a man with a long beard.
Fair enough…
Not really, it was quite black. A black beard. Wasn’t fair at all.
Go on…
He had a camera, I was sure he’d recognised me.
Recognised you?
Yeah, from this column. This page. I thought ‘It’s the paparazzi’.
PAPARAZZI? YOU? ROSCOMMON?
Yeah…why not?
Go on…
I was standing in front of the pond, just in front of a couple of ducks. Next thing, the guy with the long beard is moving in, with his camera, doing all the shapes, very professional…
And?
It seemed obvious that he’d recognised me. I could visualise the snaps appearing in a newspaper or on a social media channel. ‘Barstool boyo parks pub, gets down with the ducks’…
How could he recognise you? We’re depicted in the Roscommon People as cartoon-like characters!
Yeah, I know…but my wife says the resemblance is uncanny.
Anyways, what happened?
Well, I discreetly moved to one side…
And?
He kept filming. In fairness, it was the ducks he was interested in.
Ah, fame! Such a fleeting thing!
(They pause to facilitate the well established practise in this column)
These are sombre days…
I know, I know.
Hospital admissions rising. People suffering. Businesses crippled.
It’s gloom all around…
Joy is sparse.
I actually think that’s why the snow was a lift for people!
Yeah, simple pleasures just now…
We need to stay at home as much as possible.
That’s what Roman Abramovich said to Frank Lampard! Stay home…with immediate effect!
Ha ha! Anyways, let’s stay safe. See you here – in print – next week.
Yep! Well, as long as that wasn’t a photographer for the paper…and we’re not being replaced by ducks/a wildlife column!
