I’m telling you… they aren’t phobias! That’s just you being… grumpy!
Huh! That’s just you being… not nice!
Huh!
Let me tell you something, my friend… according to my sources, up to 12% of the world’s population have phobias!
YOUR SOURCES! What are your sources?
Eh…
Go on, say it…
Eh… Google!
I thought so! Now that’s one thing I have a bit of a phobia about… Google! Anyways, the Late Late Country Music Special is not a legitimate phobia!
Oh yes it is!
Well, the Kris Kristofferson tribute was nice…
Fair enough, and he was a great artist, but only one problem…
What?
Daniel O’Donnell was one of the performers, and I have a phobia about him!
(They pause, and agree to meet for a Sunday evening pint to compare their lists of phobias)
Newspaper deadlines.
Huh?
It’s one of my phobias…
So you admit you have some phobias too?
Well yes, but I think when you say ‘phobia’ you probably mean ‘Stuff that annoys me’ rather than ‘Things I fear’…
Okay, let’s go with ‘Stuff that annoys us’…
Well, smarmy radio DJs rambling on about how amazing their weekend was…
Yeah… and Premier League managers who never see the penalty their team conceded, or the incident that led to one of their players being red-carded…
The 2 Johnnies, the two lads that became Jedward, the Three Amigos…
What about the Four Tops?
Oh I liked them. Here’s another one… companies that say your call is very important to them, before subjecting you to 20 minutes of Frank Sinatra, only interrupted by a recording of someone reassuring you that your call is very important to them…
New books by Johnny Sexton…
People who talk at the back of the church…
People who don’t remove their pets’ poo while out walking…
(They pause to watch five minutes of the new series of Big Brother, before adding ‘Big Brother’ to their list)
WEDNESDAY NIGHT
The boyos meet for a midweek pint, and decide to wrap up on their shortlist of phobias/stuff that annoys them…
Weeds…
‘Conor McGregor for President’ tweets…
People who pick up the last loaf of bread in the shop when all you want in the shop is a loaf of bread!
Impatient drivers…
When you drop the toast and it hits the floor buttered-side down…
Enough of this silliness. Back to those newspaper deadlines… it’s time to email our column to the Editor!
Are you sure?
Yes, ‘cos it’s Wednesday night, and the barman just said LAST ORDERS…
Both: Now THAT’S a sentence we have a phobia about!
